Living a Yesterday

Knowing that yesterday was more than 10 or 15 years ago. 

Me and my 4 siblings sitting on the floor watching Mbc movies, while mama was doing her magic in the kitchen. 

By magic I really mean, eggs and tomatos, chicken nuggets, homemade bread, or just some fresh cream, jam for dipping. 

How can such a simple sitting be the foundation of all our memories, our contentment. For us to base our happiness on that single memory that I often felt was so soul-filling. 

Fate brought us all together once again now in Manhattan. We re lived that same memory without us knowing until the mid of our meal, when we all looked up at the same time and thought wow doesn't it feel like when we were young? 

Deep down We have not changed a bit, the exterior changed, which at the end it does not really matter. 

Sometimes it makes me think, was it nesscary for mom to be sick for us to live our life once again. And do the things we forgot how happy it made us. 

 

Or is it god's way to say goodbye mama! 

What the wind brought

One of my friends asked me today: 

How does it feel during this period of time? 

The first image that came to my mind is, me riding a boat in the middle of the ocean, sometimes it's bad news that feels like that boat is crashing into the high waves, and some other days, we are sailing softly. 

For yet we find the survival rope. We sail till the wind brings us home. 

You are my Favorite.

The golden age has approached us, the age of continuos discoveries, new words, new places, and the whole personality standing mightly on the table.

Mohamed is no longer my baby. He is a tiny human-being that makes my heart aches when he speaks that cute new yorker accent.

I never knew I would be this cheesy and talk about motherhood love, but seriously it is like no other love. I just feels different. Only those who were blessed with this gift will know what am talking about.


For now, I deeply wish for my loved ones to be as blessed as I am. 

Newborn Soul

From the outside, I look the same.

Deep down, I changed.

Oh I changed so much.

For the better I live. That's the aim. 

I See Dead People Living

Every wednesday. 8:00 AM, coffee's smoke is filling the room, fingers clicking on the keyboard. Pencils jotting down notes, memories, and lots more.

That room I saw every Wednesday for the past 6 months, is nothing but a hospital waiting room. Every single person sitting, is batteling a cancer of his own.

Yet.

They are more lively, more focused. Than any other healthy person I've seen.

Sickness is sometimes a good wake up call. To remind me what really matters in your life is you and yourself and your own. Later, comes everything else.

It's the time you should be selfish to do the things for yourself that you may have not done because of other engagements.

What's more beautiful is to actually live this way, rather than waiting for that wake up call. When sometimes it's too late.

Enjoy living. 

When Joody Speaks

I listen.

& I listen carefuly.

That friend I met through a friend of a friend of a friend, shared more happy crazy moments than any other, would turn out to be the a person I run the same emotional marathon with.

As I move with my days, I have two choices, either I dwell, I cry, I swear off that fate that brought us this situation, or put on a happy mask over my face and live normally as if am like everybody else.

Because truthfuly, I came to realize cancer is not a one day or few days thing, it could be as the doc puts it "Indefenite". Who knows! Really! Who knows!

So I chose.

I chose the Happy Mask. I started noticing aspects of my life, that were causing me more stress and harm than any good, they were people, places, that no longer make any sense for me to continue having in my life.

Cleaning up my chest is the way forward. For me to start accepting my reality. 

At the end of the day

To always seeing the glass half full. 

6 months earlier

"I Wish I could disappear"

I uttered these words continuously, I usually don't remember things I say in any given day. But that sentence was so powerful, I feel skies and angels heard me. For now, I did disappear.

I put an end to all my life back home, and started a completely new chapter in another place. The idea gives me chills sometimes. Is law of attraction that strong and sensitive?

Silence

I took a sip of my coffee, it's been sitting there for half an hour. So cold!

النسيان نعمة

I still live the shock, mom still has cancer.  But god miracles happens to us as we live everyday, as we raise our hands and shed a tear for things to get better. Cuz things do get better in a way, I cannot explain. You just wake up, and see your loved one, the way you always saw them; Strong & Happy. Maybe that's not the reality, maybe they are still sick and in pain, but angles patted my shoulder and assured me everything will be Ok. 

Life as we speak.

spring of 2015, 2 weeks my celebrating my 28th birthday, mom was diagnosed with Cancer already at late stages. And for those who know my mother, she is not just a mother, she is a true best friend, and I don't mean it in a cheesy way, no she is really my best friend. A person I will have to call every single day just to chat and laugh.

I myself was a younger version of her soul. So me finding out this information literally recked my world, it split my head, I felt my heart was displaced. That was how much the shock moved my core.

For god's miracles, all of this was showing as a strong well Infront of her innocence toward this stupid sickness. I was with her though it all. To the smallest bits. I was able to move mountains for her. And could I have ever done it without my circle of sunshine, friends that ironically been through cancer with loved ones before. They lift me up, they stood by mentally, emotionally and physically. True oh so true, misery loves company. It even left me thinking how god has a reason in all your life encounters!

I talk now, because am aware of now, am better now. I recovered yesterday, but am clueless about tomorrow. If it was worse, guess what? Am ready. I had learned a lot from the past two months than I have ever learned in my whole life time.

Live with no expectations.

Love.